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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25751131">Kyle's Boomin' Story</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123'>KPesh123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Coming of Age, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drugs, Friendship, Fucking, Good Writing, Heavy Drinking, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, Masturbation, Original Character(s), Other, Partying, Porn, Sex, Smoking, Television Watching, Underage Drinking, Vodka, Whiskey &amp; Scotch, Writing, YouTube</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:54:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,316</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25751131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A quiet Saturday night alone in his dorm, that’s all 18 year old Kyle Robert wanted.  After a long week of shitty classes and dealing with PC Liberal fuck-wads, he could finally unwind, crack open a beer and watch some Youtube to make him forget about the fuck fest he had to deal with.  Unfortunately his retard friends had other plans in mind…</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Kyle's Boomin' Story</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome to my booming adventures.  This may not be the most grammatically correct piece of work, but I hope to make you laugh.  Stay tuned for more of what I call Kyle's Boomin' Adventures!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kyle’s Boomin’ Story </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A quiet Saturday night alone in his dorm, that’s all 18 year old Kyle Robert wanted.  After a long week of shitty classes and dealing with PC Liberal fuck-wads, he could finally unwind, crack open a beer and watch some Youtube to make him forget about the fuck fest he had to deal with.  Unfortunately his retard friends had other plans in mind…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle had always been somewhat of a reject, an outcast per se.  He was always the punching bag everywhere he went.  He was not one with an ego either.  He didn’t think of himself as “hot” or smart.  Kyle was dumbfounded when he realized that all four colleges he applied to accepted him, due to the fact he only scored 1000 on the SAT’s.  If you gave him a map of the female reproductive system he would make a mutated incest child look like Albert Einstein.  Kyle had no talents as well, he was a failed musician and couldn’t draw for shit.  However he did start to realize that he was good at some things, he had wit and was hilarious as fuck.  Many nights watching Nelk and Danny Mullen alone built him into a man who could give absolutely no shits about anything.  On a campus of political correctness, Kyle learned how to say the most offensive shit and get away with it, yet again he still felt that no one respected him.  That only fueled his fire to be more of an asshole.  Kyle was also considered an “alcoholic boomer,” constantly drinking and ranting about some random bullshit no one cared about.  With all this shit in his head, he just wanted to chill alone in his dorm on a Saturday night.  He was greeted by Kyle’s hometown friends instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle’s friends were also outcasts as well, many of them being on the watch list for potential school shooters. The group consisted of: Malcolm, a raging porn addict who obviously had a fetish for being dominated by fat women.  His tastes went as far as watching more obscure pornogrophy such as Fat My Little Pony and Fat Marge Simpson.  Next came Jon, a scrawny stereotypical German who was a complete jackass.  Gianni was the group stoner, he took one hit off a pen and he would go as far as to suck dick just to get someone's roach.  Chris seemed to be the only normal one, coming from the rough streets of Red Bank, although white he had the mentality of a latino drug mule.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle was at his desk, headphones on, watching Danny Mullen and his crew pick up girls while high.  Kyle was studying comedy in order to get better, thinking he had a shot of getting out of the shitty path he was going down.  While Danny was telling some cunt about how he shoved a mason jar up his ass, there was a pounding on the door.  Annoyed at the fact that someone was disrupting his peaceful night, he opened the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh goddamnit why the fuck are you retards here, what the fuck do you possibly want that you drove all the way up here unannounced?” Kyle asked annoyed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kyle this is serious we need your help!” Exclaimed Jon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The last time you guys came to me for something serious you wanted me to help Malcolm get his dildo out of his dad's ass.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No this is actually fucked, I’m really in some deep shit this time.” Said Malcolm, petrified out of his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck is it now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bought too much fat beastiality porn without realizing that I gave all my money to a financial dominatrix last month, Wank Bang is after me man!” Shouted Malcolm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you really have to shout that the entire hall is looking at us now.” Kyle asked disappointedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guys looked to see everyone on the floor staring in utter shock.  The thought of thinking about a girl naked was considered assault, openly admitting to jacking it to a man skull fucking an obese arrangitang was not the best way to introduce one’s self to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ get the fuck in here before you get us crucified.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They entered the room and locked the door. A brief minute went by where there was nothing but awkward silence.  Kyle’s roommate was depressed of late since he had been ghosted for the thirtieth time on both Bumble and Tinder.  He recently took a hit from a weed pen laced with a homeless man’s Herpes infected cum, causing him to projectile vomit almost everywhere.  Spending the weekend at the hospital, Kyle had the dorm to himself.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay elephant in the room, why the fuck did you give all your money to a financial dominatrix Malcolm?  I know you’re retarded but this really puts you to a new low.”  Kyle said with a great amount of disappointment.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trust me we already raged at him.  Wank Bang is after him and they know where he lives, thus why we are here.  If we lay low for the weekend here everything will be fine.” Chris said, trying to calm the situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Also how the fuck did you find me?  I never told you my location.  How the hell did you get in here anyway?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Snap Map.  I was looking for my dealer so I could suck his cock for more weed.  You see I’m out of money .” Gianni said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gianni shut the fuck up.” Jon quickly said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But how the hell did you get in the building?”  Kyle asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh we broke a window in the lobby.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh that’s classy.” Kyle said, not even surprised at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another few minutes went by with nothing but awkward silence.  Everyone was worried about what would happen next.  Would Wank Bang find Malcolm?  Then again how the fuck would they?  It’s not like they monitor their viewers phones and track their every movement just in case some schmuck doesn’t pay up in time right?  They sat for another ten minutes staring into blank space.  In the next room the local fuckboy, Fagnus, was getting it on with his flavor of the week.  The bed was creaking like no tomorrow and everyone could hear the dog noises he was making.  For another five minutes the boys sat in silence as this took place, with one pause…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Google what time is it!” Shouted Fagnus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s currently 7:45.”  The Google Home responded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yea I told you I could last longer than five seconds!  This time it was for a minute!” Shouted Fagnus with glee.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait you came already?  I didn’t even think you were hard, I couldn’t feel a thing!”  The girl said in shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“FUCK!!!!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fagnus was by far the most hated person on campus.  Even more than Kyle which really says a lot about a person.  Kyle felt like no one respected him, what was reassuring that wasn’t entirely the case were certain times when everyone talked shit about the fuckboy.  He was a douchebag to almost everyone and had a total of around seven rape charges within the first week of the semester.  With massive dick energy, it was obvious he had a cock the size of a Christmas tree light, making actual sex almost impossible for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room became very tense again as the boys did not know what fate had in store for them.  Kyle pondered cracking open another beer believing that the rest of the night would be spent in his room hiding from porn company henchmen.  But then again if they did mysteriously find Malcolm in his dorm he would have to be sober for the altercation.  Everything was quiet until there was a loud bang on the door that made the boys jump almost two feet high in terror. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh Jesus Christ it’s Nancy Fucking Drew!” Kyle said looking out the peephole of his door.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Annoying and very racist, Nancy Drew was a stereotypical emo girl who wore the same Smiths shirt for a week straight without washing it.  Looking like the annoying bitch with the same name from Stranger Things, she always showed up at the worst possible time.  Kyle would be in the middle of a crisis whether it be school or personal, she would show up to talk about herself.  All she would do was make fun of Kyle for being half Guyanese then rant about how the only man for her was Karl Marx.  She used to be nice to Kyle in order to drink from his alcohol stash for free, but that ended when she threw up one time.  Kyle single handedly started and ended her alcoholism.  Now she just bullies the ever living shit out of Kyle to make up for years of having no friends due to her wack ass political views. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey boomer.”  Nancy chimed excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now’s not a good time.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got big news, remember how I was talking about selling foot pics for money?  I’ve started to do that! I already made at least $200 in the last hour!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was obvious that Nancy was also feeling a bit insecure about herself since she was shunned from her friend group the night she threw up everywhere.  She wanted attention as well as money.  It was also a known fact that years down the road Nancy would become a dominatrix.  This was the first step, Kyle was not surprised in the slightest.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nancy fuck off.” Kyle slammed the door in her face and turned to Malcolm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you get any ideas you autistic fuck!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few hours went by and nothing was out of the ordinary.  Nancy was crying outside the door for about ten minutes after the foot pic incident but she eventually scurried off.  The atmosphere was starting to grow calmer since no one had come for them yet.  The boys started to be more lax.  Kyle gave them some beers and they started to have a good time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey since this is college, are there any parties we can go to?  I mean if these guys don’t know Malcolm is up here and if they did, the last place they would look would be a crowded party.  Am I right?”  Gianni told the group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you kidding?  A Saturday Night here is more dead than Bernie Sanders’s sex life.  Legit nothing goes on here Saturday nights.  Friday nights shit goes down but that’s nothing huge.  Anyways they don’t want me there anyway.” Kyle explained to the group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So we are just going to sit here all night?  Won’t we get bored?”  Malcolm asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey we got beer and a smart tv, we can watch almost anything and get really drunk tonight.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That is exactly what the boys did for the next few hours.  They got drunk and watched Hulu and Youtube.  The boys completely forgot that they were outcasts who had a porn company going out after them.  Everything was fine until there was a sudden knock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm open the fuck up we know you’re in there!” Shouted a grimacing voice from the door.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck!  How the fuck did they find us!”  Malcolm asked, petrified. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Quick, we got to jump out the window!”  Jon yelled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking kidding?  We are three stories off the ground, we are bound to break a leg or something!”  Gianni yelled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Open the fuck up you little bitch we’re gonna fucking kill you!” Shouted the voice again.  This time they started to kick in the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck it we gotta jump, aim for the tree and grab on.”  Kyle said.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One by one they climbed out of the window and jumped towards the nearest tree.  Since they were all scrawny unathletic fucks each of them almost failed.  They managed to make it to the tree and climb down.  There was a giant forest right behind Kyle’s dorm building since the college he attended had a goal of conserving as many trees as possible.  This led to the entire campus falling into shambles when a tornado ripped through a few months before.  The boys ran deep into the woods.  They found an uprooted tree from the tornado that could work as a shelter for the time being.  It was there they sobered up and regained composure.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck do we do now?!  We can’t go into town or another dorm, they could be anywhere!”  Jon stated frantically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna ask a few people here if we can crash for the night.  I know they fucking hate me but if they know the situation we are currently in then I think they would help.”  Kyle offered.  He then went on his phone to ask for help. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In the meantime, I guess we have to camp out here.  Luckily we are all scouts here, except for Kyle because he’s an untalented fuck.  Am I right?” Jon said, looking for a quick laugh to try to calm the situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um Malcolm?  Do you mind explaining this?”  Kyle showed Malcolm his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Kyle’s phone was a snapchat story Malcolm posted from a few hours before while they were still drinking in the dorm.  It had the location filter as well as a caption saying “hanging at Kyle’s.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For fucks sake Malcolm use your head for once! They found you through snapchat.”  Jon yelled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“FUCK!!! My bad boys I’ll take the blame for that one.”  Malcolm responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your fucking bitmoji is still on they can easily find us out here.  Go on ghost mode and we gotta get the fuck out of here.” Kyle said.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was at that moment the henchmen for Wank Bang started lurking around in the woods.  The boys hit the ground and covered themselves with dirt and wood.  Malcolm’s bitmoji was on ghost mode so the henchmen couldn’t find them at that moment.  The boys had to crawl on the ground army style to get out of the woods.  They managed to get to the tennis court pavilion.  No one would think to check there since it was so dilapidated.  The boys climbed the pavilion to find an orgy taking place.  This was the most bizzare of orgy’s, nothing even close to what Malcolm jerked off to every night.  There was around a maximum of thirty people fucking each other.  Name any position possible it was being done.  There was man on woman action, man on man action, woman on woman action, there might’ve been a few animals involved.  In the middle of the naked sweaty cluster fuck, there was one man standing, cock out, jerking off to all of it as he coached the orgy.  He would tell each person what position to do with one hand and stroke furiously with another.  The man, not much older than the boys, saw them.  He immediately looked into each of their souls and stroked even harder.  He must’ve been turned on by the fact that he had an audience of cucks watching.  The boys, stunned to say the least, left the pavilion with an equivalent of a thousand yard stare Vietnam soldiers had after seeing the atrocities of war.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ What the fuck was that?” Jon asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The people here are weird.  I am not surprised to be honest.”  Kyle said in a disappointed manner.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm you better not be fucking horny now.”  Chris remarked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have two guys with guns coming after my life the last thing I’m thinking about at the moment.”  Malcolm responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit that’s a first.” Gianni said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I took a picture for later.”  Malcolm held up his phone to show the picture of the god forsaken orgy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we should just turn Malcolm in at this moment.  He ain’t learning shit and it’s really hard to associate with him.” Jon stated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey fuck you don’t kink shame me.” Malcolm responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what?   No you have to be kink shamed.  If you weren’t thinking about sex while being chased this would be a different scenerio.  Instead your sex addiction has  brought all of us into this shit storm.  I think we should turn Malcolm in.”  Jon said angrily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys now is not the time to implode over this shit.  If we do that we’ll get killed for sure.  I say we go and knock on some schmucks house and ask to stay the night.  Eventually someone will let us in.”  Kyle suggested. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boys spent the next two hours searching for a place to spend the night.  Since it was 1:00am most people were asleep.  They knocked on any houses that had lights on.  With a total of twenty tries, they had six shotguns pulled on them, and got cursed out beyond belief.  Eventually they found a dilapidated house that had all of the lights on.  It looked like something out of a horror movie.  The house was a Victorian style that was most likely built in the 1800’s.  The house was overgrown with trees and bushes.  The house was so bushy it put Gianni’s giant bush to shame.  Windows were cracked, the roof shingles were falling off as well as the siding of the house.  Kyle thought he saw the ghost of a little girl looking outside the window.  To summarize, the house looked like a potential serial killer or pedophile lived in it if anyone did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see no problems with this house, let's go.”  Malcolm said unsuspectingly as if nothing was a miss.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking crazy Malcolm?  Look at the place, I don’t even think fucking Stephen King would go in there!”  Kyle remarked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve broken into many creepy looking houses in my day.  We'll be fine.  I think I’ve seen a ghost once but that was due to a bad batch of shrooms I had while there.” Gianni said.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hold up, you broke into an abandoned house and ate a shit load of shrooms?” Kyle asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yea, that shit was trippy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a fucking idiot.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys I can speak with dead people, If there are any ghosts I can talk to them.” Chris said, trying to ease the situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was a skill Chris claimed to have had.  On many occasions he told the story of how he had seen the Grim Reaper and how it flipped him off on the Asbury Park Boardwalk.  There were times when the boys were hanging at either Kyle or Malcolm’s house when he would just start talking to a “ghost” in the room.  Chris legitimately taught a “ghost” how to play cards against humanity while drunk at Kyle’s house.  Kyle thought that since Chris was a stoner going back into middle school, that his mind was so fucked that he started to hallucinate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chris shut the fuck up.” Both Jon and Kyle said at the exact same time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m used to breaking into houses, I say if this place is abandoned we go for it.” Gianni said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like the time you and I broke into Malcolm’s house while he was at therapy.” Kyle remarked comedically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“WHAT?!” Malcolm asked furiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few years before, when Gianni wasn’t a major stoner, he and Kyle were hanging out with Malcolm.  Since Malcolm was having relationship troubles with his sixth bat shit crazy fat girlfriend, his dad put him in therapy in order to turn his life around.  Malcolm had to leave for therapy.  While Malcolm was gone, Kyle and Gianni climbed through the back bathroom window and snuck into his house.  They raided his fridge and Gianni masturbated to henti in Malcolm’s bathroom without flushing.  Gianni believed in the logic of “if it’s yellow let it mellow.”  This apparently worked for seamen as well.  They snuck out of the house before anyone got back and needless to say Malcolm was grounded for the next week due to the cum incident. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yea remember when you got grounded for not flushing that cum?  That was me.” Gianni admitted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you!  I had my phone taken away and got a pretty bad spanking.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hot.” Jon remarked.  All the guys looked over at him in a blend of shock, confusion, and disbelief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Retards, it was a joke.” Jon stated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay it’s fucking cold out here I don’t give a shit anymore lets knock on this fuckfaces door.” Kyle said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boys walked towards the door, which looked like it had a hatchet cracked into it at some point.  The front porch had missing wooden planks with bushes growing out of it.  Cobwebs were rampant all over the front of the house.  There was a swing bench on the porch as well.  No one was swinging on it but it was definitely moving.  Fear started to grow over the boys, this was a horrible idea but it was either they sleep here for the night or die.  Kyle started to ponder why they were even trying because they were going to die anyway if they entered the house.  He grew a fat pair of balls and knocked on the door.  A minute passed where the boys stood in silence.  They thought it was abandoned and Kyle was thinking about further breaking the window that was already cracked in order to get in.  Just as Kyle motioned to Gianni to break the window, the door slowly opened.  The door creaked heavily and whoever was behind it was intentionally opening it slowly, not knowing who was on the porch.  The boys were expecting a psychotic serial killer or an older pedophile.  What they got was close enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys! What the fuck are you doing here? How the fuck are ya!”  Shouted the owner of the household. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy fuck it’s Pawlie!” Jon stated in utter disbelief.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Pawlie was associated with the group back in high school.  He was the definition of bat shit crazy.  He had a pompous attitude and didn’t give two shits if he pissed anyone off, even his friends.  Pawlie was rumored to be the son of none other than Jon Bonjovi, who went to his mom’s high school.  His mom was part of the “Mean Girls” crew of the grade while Bonjovi was more of the quiet school shooter type.  Kyle came to the realization that Bonjovi wrote all of his love songs about her, especially the song “She Don’t Know Me” because that was the most accurate way to describe their relationship.  If Kyle or anyone else brought it up they would be met with a series of death threats.  Pawlie and Kyle had a difficult relationship.  How Nancy Drew bullied the shit out of Kyle in college, Pawlie did the same exact thing in high school.  They both played the “friend” card but immediately tried to insult the ever living fuck out of his existence soon after.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God damnit, how can this night get any worse.” Kyle said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we come in?” Asked Jon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, wait why the fuck is he here?” Pawlie asked, pointing to Malcolm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Malcolm was standing in the back of the group dead silent.  Kyle and Pawlie had a rocky relationship but Pawlie and Malcolm had a much worse one.  Through the entirety of high school Malcolm and Pawlie hated each other.  They just never clicked, so instead of staying clear of each other they decided to shit talk one another and remain in the same friend group.  Malcolm eventually stole Pawlie’s girlfriend fueling the fire.  They were always threatening to fight each other.  Malcolm was all talk, he had a large mouth but a scrawny body.  It became normal for him to threaten to fight Pawlie but have it go nowhere.  He famously said a few years earlier in the winter that he was going to wait until the spring to fight Pawlie.  This was to stall time and the plan never went through.  This wasn’t even the worst part of the feud.  Pawlie’s ex-girlfriend was able to brainwash Malcolm into thinking Pawlie raped her.  It was obvious that it wasn’t the case because it was purley consentual sex and she got four other people to testify on her behalf.  Eventually Malcolm admitted that he knew it was fake. He just wanted Pawlie to pay for being a douche to him.  Moral of the story, don’t fuck with Malcolm.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s kind of in some hot shit right now so we gotta hide.  Please let us in for the night.” Jon pleaded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why the fuck should I let him in?  He almost got me arrested!” Pawlie yelled back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We have weed.” Gianni chimed in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bet get the fuck in here boys!” Pawlie graciously said allowing everyone even Malcolm in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To the boys' surprise, the house was very clean and decorated nicely inside.  One could snort a fat line of coke off the floor and not worry about getting the Coronavirus.  Pawlie brought the boys into the living room which was nicely furnished.  He went into the kitchen to get some beers and his bong made out of a lawn flamingo.  He came back with premium shit.  A tray of Budwiser and his bong filled with expensive weed.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright I’ll be the one to ask.  How in the fuck did you buy this place, furnish it with premium shit and why did you buy this place?”  Kyle asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well remember that time I jacked it to a tree?  Well someone at that party recorded it and posted it to Wank Bang.  Apparently there are a lot of eco-sexuals out there who enjoy that shit and I am now a rich man.”  Pawlie explained.  “My turn, why the fuck are you guys here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Long story short, Wank Bang is after Malcolm because he bought too much fat porn without realizing he had no money.  They are trying to kill him now.  So for the love of god don’t fuck this for us.” Kyle explained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry guys, you have good weed so I’ll let you stay.” Pawlie reassured the boys. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yo why the fuck is the outside of this place a shithole?  I legit thought Jackson the Ripper was going to come out and skull fuck us.” Chris asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh that’s the Halloween decorations.  You see I’m fucking lazy.” Pawlie responded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They spent the rest of the night drinking and getting high in the decrepit looking house.  Pawlie was still a bombastic douche to everyone, now it had gotten worse since he was a famous eco-sexual porn star.  Kyle bit his tongue on the topic and went to bed early.  Any altercation and they’d be back on the streets or Pawlie would rat the boys out.  Malcolm had been asleep for a while, since he hated Pawlie more than Kyle.  Kyle decided to go to bed earlier because he couldn’t take any more of Pawlie’s shit.  Eventually the boys stumbled in later on and passed out on the floor of the guest bedroom.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle awoke to a pistol in his face.  Five jacked men with guns were in the room surrounding the boys.  All of them with Wank Bang jackets and hats.  Being hungover the boys were disoriented but quickly realized that Wank Bang found them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh god damnit! Malcolm wake up, we’re caught.” Kyle said to Malcolm, bitch slapping him in the face to wake him up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wha-? OH FUCK!” Malcolm yelled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm did you post again you fuck?” Gianni asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up and don’t move, you’re all coming with us.” The henchman hollered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck did you find us?” Jon asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was at this moment Pawlie walked in, wearing a velvet robe, trying to pull off the Hugh Hefner look but failing miserably since the robe didn’t fit him.  His hair and bag zits were not helping him either.  Pawlie had a gigantic grin on his face as if he was the first miner to strike gold in 1840’s California. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You motherfucker!” Kyle grunted between his teeth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah yes, you boys helped me out quite a bit.  For that I thank you.” Pawlie said with a deviant tone in his voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How could you do this to us?” Gianni asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You see boys, it’s quite simple.  Since the video of me jacking it to a tree was posted, Wank Bang hired me to make more eco-sexual videos.  I now work for them.  Last night while you guys were over, I got an alert from Wank Bang.  It was sent out to all employees and pornographic actors of Wank Bang asking them to find you guys.  The reward was almost ten grand!  I had to take it.  Sorry that I backstabbed you guys, except for you Malcolm, fuck you.  The rest of you were guilty by association.” Pawlie explained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go fuck yourself Pawlie.” Kyle said in a monotone voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pawlie walked out of the room with two henchmen following him.  The remaining three put bags over the boys heads, tied their hands together and put them in a van.  Eventually the van was off, going about ninety miles per hour down a suburban neighborhood road.  The boys were not strapped to anything, with every sharp turn they flew across the van slamming into the otherside.  The ride took about what felt like an hour.  The entire time the boys were in shock that one of their own would do that to them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe Pawlie would do this to us.  He was supposed to be our friend.” Gianni said.  Gianni spent many nights smoking with Pawlie, he was taking it the hardest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not surprised at all, the guy is a backstabbing piece of shit.”  Malcolm said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm you have no right to speak, you got us in this mess and you also royally fucked over Pawlie many times before.  We shouldn’t have gone with you.” Jon responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No Malcolm is right, that guy is a fucking scumbag.  All he did was treat me like shit in high school.  He could’ve easily let the rest of us go if he cared about us.  Having said this you are right that we were dragged into this.  I just wanted to watch youtube alone in my dorm now I’m in a van going probably out into the middle of nowhere to be killed.” Kyle explained.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys let’s just hope for a miracle, that’s all we can do at this point.” Chris said hopelessly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After what felt like hours of driving the van finally stopped.  The doors opened and one by one the boys were thrown out of the van.  They had to walk in a single file and were each forced to sit down in a chair which they were tied up against.  Their bags were taken off, they could finally see.  Their location was something in an action movie.  The chairs were all lined up in a big warehouse.  There were armed guards everywhere, four of which surrounding the boys.  In walked a man with an Armani suit and a fat cigar in his mouth.  The man was middle aged and guarded by two personal henchmen.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello boys I’m the CEO of Wank Bang Inc.  It’s nice to finally meet you.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you.” Kyle responded coldly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey I was going to be nice about this but if you want I can kill you now.” The CEO motions the guards to aim their guns. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright let’s do it your way.” Kyle responded, loosening his attitude. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Great.  Now I will be a kind host, I will allow you to ask questions at this time.  Yea you.”  The CEO pointed to Jon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Jon here, I’m just curious, what’s your penis size?.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pardon?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are giving off massive dick energy so I’m wondering what your penis size actually is.”  Jon asked while nodding, Malcolm was also nodding in agreement about the curiosity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Three inches erect.” Responded the CEO. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ you’re small!” Jon shouted, bursting out laughing.  The rest of the boys snickering as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This explains so much honestly.”  Kyle remarked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll kill you now if I have to.”  The CEO responded sternley. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me guess, you get a lot of bitches with your money right?” Chris asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Henchmen you ready?”  The CEO motioned the henchmen to aim their guns.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay we actually have some real questions now.” Kyle said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine, go for it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where the fuck are we?” Kyle asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Classified.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, what’s your name?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Classified.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you going to do to us?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to kill you of course.  Okay my turn.  Which one of you autistic fucks is Malcolm?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We aren’t going to tell you that information.” Malcolm said hoping the boys would pull a united front, they instead hinted it was him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah Malcolm, it says here on my tablet that you’ve ordered up to $8,000 worth of Fat Beastiality Porn and you haven’t paid it yet.  Why is that?”  The CEO asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have the money.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now why’s that?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just don’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me why or I’ll slowly shove this dagger into your temple and through your neck.” The CEO pulled out a dagger and put it up to Malcolm’s neck.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay okay!  I gave all my money away to a financial dominatrix!  Are you happy now?!” Malcolm cried.  The boys all looked at him in disgust and disappointment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you Malcolm.  Now if you boys excuse me, I have a meeting with someone who is willing to invest in our company.  I’ll leave you to have your last thoughts.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The CEO walked out with two henchmen, leaving the boys strapped to their chairs in order to cherish their final moments.  Kyle remembered that his friend Rich had just gotten into investing.  He would sometimes take trips out with a friend, another Chris, to check out the places they were looking to invest in.  It was also an excuse to do large amounts of blow and party in a new location.  Before the shitstorm started Rich had called Kyle to try to get him in on his gig.  He said that he was looking to invest in Wank Bang because it was a promising company.  Kyle being a lazy sack of shit did not get on board.  Kyle hoped that Rich would check his snap and look at the snap map to see that Kyle was in the same building as him.  In the meantime the boys sat in the room and thought about their lives.  Kyle looked back at his life and was not impressed.  He could’ve done so many things differently, things turned out the way they did leaving him tied down to a chair about to be shot.  The CEO walked in and stared down the boys.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Any last words?” The CEO asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yea I got one.” Kyle responded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Supple.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”  The CEO asked confused, the boys also looked at Kyle confused as to why he said that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard me.” Kyle said with a burst of confidence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, you get to die first.” The CEO said, taking out a pistol and putting it to his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kyle’s life flashed before his eyes.  He remembered all the shit he and the boys did together.  He remembered when they almost burned down Malcolm’s house.  He remembered when Malcolm and Gianni ate shit trying to jump the local creek.  He remembered when Rich came to his house with a bottle of Patron tequila and each of them slammed half the bottle under twenty minutes during the day while Kyle’s dad was doing yard work in front of them, eventually getting caught.  He then heard the gunshot.  He jumped in his seat and realized he was still alive.  Kyle opened his eyes to see that the CEO was shot in the chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit it’s Rich!” Yelled Malcolm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rich was also in a suit and had a machine gun he stole from one of the guards.  The Other Chris was with him as well with a stolen machine gun.  They immediately started to fire on the henchmen.  It became a battle between the two parties with the boys stuck in the middle. It was something in an action movie.  The boys were in shock witnessing all of this go down.  Rich and the other Chris took down the henchmen and celebrated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“LET’S FUCKING GO!!!”  Rich shouted at the top of his lungs pounding his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yea!  You fucking freed us!” Malcolm yelled back, realizing he was not going to die. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fucking right!  I’m hopped up on so much fucking cocaine, I can take on anything!!” Rich shouted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’d you know we were here?” Kyle asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was here for a meeting to invest in this shithole, thanks for signing up you dick, I looked on my snap map and saw you guys were here as well.  I went to find you guys and saw you tied up in chairs about to get shot.  We took a large dose of cocaine and fucking SENT IT!!!” Rich explained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yea we bashed two of the guards heads in and stole their guns.  Now why the fuck are you guys here?” The Other Chris asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm ordered fat porn with no money.” Jon responded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That figures, not surprised in the slightest.” The Other Chris said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let's get you guys untied and let's get FUCKED!!” Rich shouted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yo Rich, round two tonight.  Fucking tequila shots!” Kyle responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yea, we gonna send that shit.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Full Fucking Send” Kyle remarked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boys got in Rich’s car and drove back to Kyle’s college.  As it turned out the warehouse was only a few miles north of New York City and it wasn’t even the property of Wank Bang.  Once they got back to the college, they immediately bought alcohol with Rich’s fake ID and went back to the dorm.  The room was trashed since the henchmen raided it and the door was broken in.  They set it back up, cleaned up the room, and partied the remainder of the weekend in that dorm.  </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I hope you enjoyed my boomin story, now go fuck yourself.  </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
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